you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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