Just fell off a train. Bad.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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