She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
