Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
