I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?