My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
