She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
