By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
