We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
pray to the hookup gods
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
