apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
