He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I need a beard to bite.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
