the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
