i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
