if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
