The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
