he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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