there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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