I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
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