My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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