don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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