Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
