So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
