Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
