My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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