you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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