My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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