Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize