k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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