i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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