you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
