I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
