I hate all girls vehemently.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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