All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
