My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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