Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
