The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
