Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
