I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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