I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
