I wish I could teleport
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
