i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
