I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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