does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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