I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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