Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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