The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
