positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
