I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
