Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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