ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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