so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wrigley field is MILF paradise
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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