just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
