i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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