i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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